Week 15

We had another appt Tues 7/15 and got to see our precious little wild child again! They weren't planning on doing an ultrasound at this appointment, but I was expecting to have one so I asked for one... and of course they obliged! Dr. G told Brady I was spoiled, but I told him that they are the ones that spoiled me by giving me an ultrasound every time so far, so it wasn't my fault! :-P When we did the ultrasound we saw it do a flip, hide it's "private parts" with its hands, and even saw it scratching it's tiny little hiney! [it MUST be a boy! ;)] HR was 152. The doctor tried to determine gender, but we turned our heads and didn't look at the screen. It is getting harder and harder for me not to find out this time. Mainly because I just want to SHOP! But I know if I found out before delivery I would be disappointed in myself, because I really do want it to be a surprise. I agreed to not having an ultrasound at our next appointment, and will be fine just hearing it's thumping little heart! 

It is getting SO hard for me to stay motivated to stay active, but I'm still trying! My diet has officially completely gone out the window and I still seem to just eat anything and everything!! Cheeseburgers and fries are still my meal of choice, but if I see a commercial for food, chances are I will be craving whatever was just advertised! My poor body... :/ 

I had a bit of an emotional breakdown today. The fear of losing this baby too set in and took over for a little while. Seeing how active this baby is makes me SO happy, but scares me to death all at the same time. I'm confident that we have my meds adjusted properly, so I have no doubt that medically everything will be ok with what my body does. My biggest fear now is of a cord accident. I know all babies move and are active, and I know that is a good thing. But I also know that cord accidents do happen and there isn't anything that can be done to prevent them. I woke up just feeling so emotional and so scared. I immediately called my mom to talk to her about it and started crying. When I hung up the phone I was still crying. I curled myself into a ball, held my stomach, and prayed out loud to God to "please don't take this baby too". I'm trying my best to stay as positive and as faithful as I can, but some days it is definitely harder than others. It's like I can see myself holding a living baby, but I know what it is to hold a dead baby too - and the fear of having to do that again is what took over. Almost like a defense mechanism, trying to prepare me for that possibility. It is so hard to explain. I think what triggered it was having dinner last night with Brady's parents, his boss, and his boss' wife - we were talking about how active and funny the baby already is and showing ultrasound pictures around the table. It almost felt like deja vu. I remember Brady being so happy and proud when I was pregnant with Sloan. And I remember him wanting to show off the ultrasound pictures to our friends and family. But I also remember the pure agony written all over his face when she was born. I so do not want to have to go through that again, and I definitely don't want him to go through that again either. After I composed myself a little bit, I texted one of my absolute best friends and asked her if she was scared when she was pregnant again after losing her daughter. She reassured me that she was, and sent me the bible verse that she would read when she was feeling scared - John 14:27. I love that verse and will definitely try to remind myself of that often! I am still so happy, excited, and counting down to December! But this is my reality, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't ever scared... I am just praying SO hard that we have a different ending {and beginning} this time around...