Week 29

How far along: 29 weeks
Gender: unknown - & I don't even know what I think it is some days! [most days I'm still team boy - just not AS confidently]
Weight gain: 11.5 lbs
Next Appointment: 11/3/2014
Last Appointment:10/21/2014 - endocrinologist - this was my LAST check-up until after baby... which is just crazy to me! As slow as the time seems to be going - this first "last" of this pregnancy came FAST! It was another great appointment! The doctor said I've responded "perfectly" to everything and informed me of what med changes he expects to make post-delivery - but said no changes were needed at this time. I told Brady, for as many things as I feel like are "wrong" with me, it's nice to keep being told how "perfect" everything is going! He also said I've done really well with maintaining/controlling my weight gain (thanks in part to medication) but said he suspects the "bulk" of my weight gain is still to come :/ Hopefully the "bulk" of it isn't a huge amount!! He acknowledged that it was a horrible time to ask - but asked when we were thinking of trying for another baby after this one. He said he is by no means pushing me to have my babies close together, but did say that 6 mos would prob be a good amount of time to wait, because my body would be "primed & ready". Now, had he asked me this question a little earlier in my pregnancy, my answer would have been simple: as soon as it's safe for me to try again... probably 6 months. (because that is what Brady & I talked about fairly early on in this pregnancy since it took us longer than we had hoped it would to conceive this one) BUT, when I factor in the stress and fear that has accompanied me this pregnancy - especially lately - that changes my answer dramatically. This seriously has got to be the scariest thing I've done in my life so far. I don't want to miss out on half of this baby's 1st year of life because I'm too stressed with the all consuming efforts of trying to conceive again... or because I'm too scared with another pregnancy to be able to enjoy BOTH blessings. We talked about it a little, but left it sort of at a 'let's get through this pregnancy & then cross that bridge when we get there...'

10/24/2014 - ob/gyn -  Yay for another good appointment! We had another NST and it was GrEaT... baby was super active today!! My BP was a little high for me, but still normal enough for the dr not to comment on it. HR was 130s-150s & my belly is still measuring about a week ahead :) Brady wasn't able to go with me this time <since hunting season is fast approaching & he will have limited opportunities this year> so my mom went with me. She's been wanting to go with me for a while now - because she said she needed to be able to see my doctor in a different setting than the circumstances she saw him in last time, before seeing him again in the hospital - so it worked out perfectly. She did say she was a little taken back when they started hooking me up to the monitor, because last time she saw that happening the only thing she heard was the silence of not being able to find Sloan's heartbeat - so I'm glad she was able to see me being hooked up & hearing a healthy little heartbeat. When we left she said she "needed that" so it made me happy that she could be there :)

Maternity Clothes: since I only have 7 weeks to go - I'm refusing to buy "maternity" clothes at this point! Most of my maternity jeans are pretty stretched out from Sloan because of how BIG I got with her, and I can still fit in most of my loose-fitting wardrobe. I'm thinking I'll probably break out those stretched out jeans when the "bulk" of my weight gain hits though!
Exercise: still walking & jogging... some days are better than others but I think something is better than nothing! But I do feel like {for the most part} I'm in better shape now than I was at this time last year! 
Stretch marks: none that I can see yet!
Belly button in or out: half in/half out
Sleep: LOTS! <but still getting interrupted pretty regularly> Tues evening I was exhausted from such a busy/rushed morning (workout, labs, appointment, driving, & work), so when I got home I took a bath then laid down for a nap at 5:30 - woke up at 7, only to fall right back asleep until 9! & the only reason I woke up at 9 was because Brady picked up my feet so he could sit on the couch with me... since our other couch was full of laundry that I hadn't gotten around to folding!! {oops} 
What I miss: eh... nothing really this week!
What I'm loving: this baby moving how I'm use to it moving again... ALL OVER THE PLACE!!
Movement: ^ ^ ^ see above ^ ^ ^
Cravings: a margarita (which I don't even like!) :: cookie cake :: chicken nuggets
Queasy or sick: no... BUT (warning: TMI & gross alert) some nights I wake up suddenly coughing & have the taste of vomit in my mouth... I blame it on over eating and/or indigestion... but I HATE it! 
Favorite moment this week: my absolute favorite part of pregnancy is hands down watching this baby make my belly dance with its movements! I could literally sit and watch it for hours!!
Looking forward to: DECEMBER 8TH! Some days just looking at my calendar and realizing how close that date actually is brings me to tears... I can not wait to get this baby here & in my arms!

Week 28

How far along: 28 weeks
Gender: still a SuRpRiSe - annnnnd I'm back to thinking 99% BOY! I asked the doctor this week if he knew any wives tales that were accurate... He told me according to the studies the most accurate prediction of gender is mother's intuition... SO I will be so embarrassed if I'm wrong... But will be so happy when I'm holding a healthy baby in my arms - regardless of gender!
Weight gain: 11 lbs - it's starting to come on fast... These cravings are getting harder & harder to resist!!! And I eat WAY more than I should! :/ 
Next Appointment: 10/24/2014
Last Appointment: well... we had 2 appointments this week... this first was unplanned
10/13
Sunday night when I sat down to do my kick counts I felt like the baby wasn't kicking as "strong" as it had been. I had no problem feeling the kicks, and it kicked as often as it should - it just wasn't as strong so it bothered me. Then Monday morning I felt the same way - it was moving - but it didn't feel like strong movements. Once again, paranoia set in & I texted my nurse, who told me she would talk to the doctor, but he was in the OR for another hour & a half. I listened to the baby's heartbeat - which was fine. Then I called my mom and just started sobbing - the kind of sobbing that you can hardly speak a word that is understandable. She told me I needed to let the nurse know how upset I was, because words in a text come across very different than how I was sounding on the phone. I felt crazy admitting how upset I was, but I let her know. She reassured me that feeling movement was excellent & asked me if I wanted to go ahead and go to L&D, but I told her I didn't really want to do that & told her I knew it was probably just my crazy brain. Once again, the sane part of me knew that the baby was ok in that moment - I felt it moving & heard it's heartbeat - but I was scared out of my mind! About 45 minutes after I initially texted her, she told me he wanted to do an ultrasound & a non-stress test. I called Brady and we went to the doctor. It's so strange - but as soon as I knew I was going to be seen, my fears were immediately put at ease. Long story short - baby was fine, movements were perfect, and we still have a healthy (but breech) baby! We also discovered that it's quite flexible and was positioned with its feet over its head! We talked to the doctor after the tests and I explained what precipitated this "freak out". I told him that I worked the weekend so I didn't keep up with my kick counts quite like I should have - which I got in a little bit of trouble for - but I knew the baby was moving & listened to it with my doppler, so didn't think too much of it until Sunday when I did sit down to do them & they felt weaker. Once again he reassured me that everything was "perfect" & also told me that baby's movements will start slowing down. We decided it was probably a good idea to go ahead and schedule me for weekly visits from now on - just to help me to have peace of mind. I felt so stupid because I knew I was over-reacting, but I also knew I wouldn't feel better until I knew for sure that my baby was still safe inside of me! 

{At the end of my pregnancy with Sloan her movements slowed down significantly. I reported it to my doctor at the time, and at my last appointment he did an ultrasound and she was perfectly fine. So when she was born and the doctor who delivered her - my doctor now - guessed that she probably passed away the day after that last appointment - 3 days prior to her birth - I was surprised. I knew her movements slowed down, but the ultrasound at that last appointment reassured me that she was ok, even though she wasn't moving nearly as much. The day I went into labor I knew I didn't feel much movement, and when Brady came home around lunch time I even told him I was scared because I didn't feel anything that day. I remember texting a friend to ask if her babies stopped moving as much at the end, because I was assuming {hoping} that it was normal and that my baby was just running out of room. She told me that they did, so again, I was reassured. I also remember right before I lost my mucus plug feeling something - probably a contraction or her little body shifting in the fluid with my movement - and feeling at ease thinking I felt her move. So when this baby's movements felt weaker, I immediately freaked out and thought the worst. Even though I knew movement was good, in my mind it wasn't its usual kind of movements, so something must be wrong... and it scared me to death! As foolish as I felt knowing that I was probably overreacting - it's ok that I did, because I would rather be safe than sorry any day over going through losing another baby...}

10/16 - scheduled appt: 

It was a short - but good {& light} - appt! Baby is still great! My belly is still measuring about a week ahead of schedule... Which makes me happy! Heartrate was 146-158 and movements feel "normal" again! ANNNND... drumroll please... we are OFFICIALLY scheduled for a c-section!!! (which I'm ok with at this point) I asked him if he would consider trying to flip the baby if it didn't flip on its own, but he told me no because of my history & meds. I asked if a c-section would be more risky because of the meds & some of my "problems", but he reassured me that it wasn't & reminded me to let him worry about those things! If baby does happen to flip, we will induce that day instead. Either way is more than fine with me - as long as at the end of the process I have a living, healthy baby in my arms!

Maternity Clothes: eh... a shirt or 2 this week
Exercise: yep! :) Every day this week!

Stretch marks: not yet!
Belly button in or out: half in - half out
Sleep: I think I jinxed myself because I've been interrupted again this week with needing to empty my bladder in the middle of the night!
What I miss: sounds weird - but I'm starting to miss seeing the results of workouts & good dietary decisions ---> which has probably been a contributing factor to the AWFUL dietary decisions I've made this week!!!
What I'm loving: this GROWING belly! {somewhat of a contradictory statement to the above - I know!} but I def feel like this belly has come out of nowhere this week!! 
Movement: Baby = yes :) ME = steadily getting harder & harder to get in & out of things... like vehicles, restaurant booths, etc
Cravings: pizza, Manuel's cheese enchiladas, cookies, cupcakes, Blue Bell tin roof ice cream!!!
Queasy or sick: Nope!!
Favorite moment this week: being reassured [twice] that my baby is still ok! & getting this baby's birthday officially scheduled!!
Looking forward to: getting this baby here!

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Sunday when I was talking to Brady & my mom I told them that I was excited that we were going to get to decorate Sloan's grave later that day - and then almost immediately realized how strange that statement sounded. That's never something that at 27 years old I would have ever thought I would get "excited" about... far from the norm of what most mom's my age get to get excited about. Not throwing a pity party for myself here - I know so many others fight much harder battles on a daily basis that I could never even imagine - but the reality of that one little statement that I said with such ease & such excitement really made me stop, think, and realize how different my reality truly is from most people I know. BUT I was so happy with how it turned out! It always bothers me when the weeds & grass start to grow through the flowers that we put on her grave & the ants bother me even more after a good rain, but I hate to not put flowers on it just to allow the grass to grow. So, Brady got some stone & gravel to outline her grave to try to help that problem. I wasn't too sure about the gravel he brought because I wanted smaller rocks to go on the inside - but decided those wouldn't be that visible anyway & at this point I just wanted it fixed! I played site manager while Brady did the work - as usual - and I was so pleased with how everything came together! By the time we left I couldn't stop saying how happy it made me & thanking Brady for everything he did - and always does! 

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birthday wishes

I hate this. How is this my life? I really thought this birthday would be better than the last. But it's not. I just want her. I want her back. All I want is Sloan. I want to go back. Back to the girl who loved to celebrate her birthday. Back to the girl who declared October her "birthday month". Back to the happy girl who couldn't wait to announce to her family - on her birthday - that she was pregnant. I want to go back to that birthday. And I want to know then what I know now. I want to have a chance to see what my life would be like with Sloan here. I want to have been able to do everything in my power to deliver her - breathing and alive. I want to have a chance to be her earthly mother - not just the mommy to an angel. I would give anything to go back. But this is my life now. And I can't go back. Now I'm the girl who is just ready for this day - this reminder - to be over. Now I'm the girl who cries on her birthday and doesn't even want to celebrate it. Today I'm the girl who's crying, telling God "all I want is Sloan" and then feel this kick in my stomach from the baby I'm carrying now. How awful is that? How selfish is that? To have a healthy baby growing inside of you but wishing for nothing more than the baby you've buried? Of course I want this baby. I prayed so hard for this baby. I pray so hard every day for this baby. And I'm so ready to have this baby - here, healthy & alive. But I want Sloan too. I will always want Sloan. And I will always hate that I will never have her physically here. With me. Where I feel like she belongs...

Week 27

How far along:27 weeks
Gender: still a SuRpRiSe - starting to question my "mother's intuition"... but still mostly think boy! I can't wait to find out!
Weight gain: 10 lbs
Next Appointment: 10/16/2014
Stretch marks: not yet!
Belly button in or out: half in - half out
Sleep: better this week! Less interruptions to empty my bladder... which I appreciate!
What I miss: still miss being the naive pregnant girl that thinks everything is going to be ok... The further I get, the harder it gets to just "know" that everything will be ok. This week I've felt like this pregnancy is the second hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and by far the scariest. I thought being pregnant with Sloan after a miscarriage was hard - which was part of the reason I was SO private with her pregnancy... but that has nothing on a pregnancy following a full term stillbirth. I know that just because I've already gone through this once, does not mean I'm immune from it happening again. & I feel like I am constantly waiting for the ball to drop. Things the old me knew how to rationalize are now things that automatically make me think something is wrong. It's like the sane part of me knows that everything is ok & knows the probable explanation, but the question "what if it isn't" is always in the back of my head.
Last Saturday (10/4) after my jog my left calf was a little sore. I didn't think much of it, just thought it was a normal muscle ache from overdoing it a tad. But when it didn't go away, part of me was convinced it was a blood clot. I knew it was HIGHLY unlikely that I had a blood clot since I'm on Lovenox & Aspirin, and I didn't have any other signs or symptoms, but there that voice came again saying "but what if you do". So I went to my primary care doctor, and he assured me that he did not think I had a blood clot, but he thought I needed to take a break from jogging to help with the pain. (of course being the non-compliant patient that I am & thinking I would feel worse if I didn't jog, I didn't take his advice and the pain went away eventually)
What I'm loving: getting closer to getting this baby here!
Movement: Baby = lots! ME = I'm re-learning how to move with a mini watermelon attached to my abdomen!
Cravings: FAIR FOOD!!!! corn dogs, funnel cakes, 4H cheeseburgers, etc - and I satisfied ALL cravings Wed, Thurs, & Fri at the Austin Co. Fair :)
Queasy or sick: Nope!!
Favorite moment this week: nothing specific comes to mind - so just making it through another week :)
Looking forward to: having this baby!

This week was such an emotional roller coaster for me. It started Sunday when we weren't able to decorate Sloan's grave for fall like I had hoped we would be able to. (I was actually wanting to get it done by the 1st, but for various reasons that didn't work out either) When Brady told me Sunday that we wouldn't be able to do it that day, I just started crying. I had so many different emotions come over me. I felt like a horrible mother because her grave looks so terrible. I felt like Sloan was being put on the "back burner" - not only by her parents, but by other family members as well. I felt embarrassed & guilty that I had let her grave get so "ugly". We did go clean it up, which made it look a little better... But still not as good as I thought it should. I felt guilty that we have still not even looked at headstones. I felt like people just think that because I'm pregnant again, I'm "happy" again. Don't get me wrong - I am happy, but it's a very different kind of happy...
By Thursday we STILL weren't able to fix her grave, which lead to an even bigger breakdown and all of those exact feelings coming back, but this time one hundred times stronger... it is SO hard to explain those feelings.......
Friday we went to look at headstones. We found a style that we both like, but are torn between 2 colors and have no clue what exactly we want to put on it. I didn't want to just rush into ordering something so personal, so we are trying to think about what we want on it. Who knows how long that will take, but I feel better knowing that at least we got the process started... 

Some days I can't help but think "what if" - what if I had Sloan with me? I probably wouldn't have this child on the way... What if something happens to this baby too? I can not lose another baby. I get so scared some days... well.. most days... 

As grateful as I am for all Sloan has shown me - some days I just wish this wasn't my story...

Week 26

How far along: 26 weeks! - we forgot a bump pic... again :/

Gender: still a SuRpRiSe - mom still thinks boy - & dad FINALLY made a guess after seeing a little glimpse of baby's face - he said after seeing it's face it "kinda looks like a boy"! I told him I hope it's not a girl so we don't have to tell her that her daddy thought she looked like a boy! :-P We will know for sure in a little over 9 weeks!!!!
Weight gain: 10 lbs - I started noticing that my rings are really loose, almost to the point of falling off! Completely opposite of what I thought would be happening! I was able to wear my rings throughout my entire pregnancy with Sloan, but I don't remember them ever feeling looser! 
Next Appointment: 10/16/2014
Last Appointment: 10/2/2014
Such a big appointment! <for a few reasons!>

This was the dreaded one hour glucose tolerance test day for me! With Sloan I was so confident that it would be a breeze & felt certain that I would pass without any problems... and then: I FAILED! Then came the first attempt at the three hour test - which I threw up within 10 minutes of starting, and FINALLY passed the third time around with flying colors! So to say I was a tad nervous about this one may be a slight understatement. Although I did feel cautiously optimistic since my endocrinologist has been monitoring me so much closer this time compared to how I was monitored on that end of things last time. Thankfully, I PASSED on the first try this time!! Such a relief!

We also had another ultrasound - which always makes me happy! I love knowing a little bit of what's going on in there! Baby is [unfortunately] still breech, which slightly disappointments me. I know there is still plenty of time for it to flip, but I really do not want a c-section for too many reasons to list. BUT if that's what it takes to get a healthy baby in my arms, I'll take it without hesitation! Baby is measuring right on time, weighing in at approx 1lb 15 oz - 64th percentile! HR was 142. Baby was looking right at us for the 2d ultrasound, then decided to turn away when it came time to do the 3d part of the ultrasound! <which didn't surprise me too much!> We tried and tried to get it to move - including me jumping around the room - but this little one is stubborn and wouldn't budge! We did get little glimpses of it's face though :) After all that moving & jumping I had another little braxton hicks contraction. I asked the tech if the cord looked ok, and she told me she could see part of it on top of the placenta by the baby's head - which concerns me a little, but I'm trying to not even go there...

After the ultrasound, it was time to see the doctor. My belly is measuring 1.5 weeks ahead, but Dr. G told me I'm a "silent carrier". I definitely don't feel that way, but I will take the compliments where I can get them at this point... even if it's from a dr who is just being nice! :-P When he told me baby was in the 64th percentile I said "that's small", but he reassured me that it wasn't. He said small would be 35th percentile, then made a reference about Sloan. When we left the appointment I told Brady I like that he refers to her as "Sloan" and not "last time" - makes this mommy's heart happy to hear her name spoken and referred to as the human she was, not the pregnancy I "lost". I also asked him about the cord being close to the baby's head, and he said that it was fine, but to continue to keep up with my (baby's) movements and reassured me that we will continue to monitor everything as much as we can. We had a good little chat and once again he told me everything was "perfect" - which is always such a relief! He also put me back on bi-weekly appointments... thank God! Four weeks was WAY too long!! 

A year ago - almost to the date (10/3/13) - I had my first "post baby" ultrasound, which was somewhat traumatic for me. I will never forget the feeling of knowing I was about to see my uterus empty for the first time since Sloan. It's a feeling that is completely indescribable - but I made it through and received some answers as to why my body was doing what it was doing (and not doing) at the time. I remember sitting in his office and feeling so defeated after my ultrasound. First we talked to the nurse, who gave us such good information and answered some questions for us before the doctor ever made it back to me - which didn't take long. We talked, and I know I asked questions, but I only remember one: "will I have a healthy baby?". His answer was simple: yes. When he said yes, I asked him if he promised, and he did. So, seeing our perfectly healthy baby in my uterus on an ultrasound at this appointment held so many emotions and was so significant for me!
 
Maternity clothes: I wore a maternity shirt this week but still mainly wearing scrubs & exercise clothes
Exercise: Yep! 6 days this week! :) - but I'm thinking either my frequency or intensity (or both) will be slowing down in the very near future :/
Wednesday I started having Braxton Hicks contractions that started around 4pm and were consistently inconsistent until I went to bed. At first I thought it was just the baby repositioning itself, but when it kept happening I knew that wasn't it. I also knew it wasn't "real" contractions, but I didn't remember getting braxton hicks this early in the game with Sloan - so of course, a little worry set in! I texted my nurse and told her what was going on. She told me to just rest and push fluids, and that if I had more than 6 in an hour to call my doctor. So I started timing them, and they were by no means consistent which made me feel a little more at ease by the time I went to bed. I wasn't going to work out the next morning, but this internal alarm clock of mine woke me up, so I went anyway. When I got to work Thursday morning I had 5 more small ones within an hour (then stopped counting - but still had a few throughout the day) and decided I probably should have just stayed in bed that morning! Needless to say, when it came time to workout Friday morning I talked myself out of going to give my body a little break. It is so hard for me not to go, because I feel worse throughout the day if I don't go, but I also know I need to listen to my body & do what's best for baby!
Stretch marks: not yet!
Belly button in or out: >in<
Sleep: I haven't felt as exhausted this week - but I would still LOVE to get a little more ;)
What I miss: being the naive pregnant girl that thinks everything is going to be ok...
What I'm loving: feeling my wild child moving all around!
Movement: Baby = lots! It has started to move more on the left side this week; ME = I've started to have battles with the couch/recliner when trying to get out of it! (seems like these struggles are starting way earlier this time around - but I could be wrong!)
Cravings: COFFEE with french vanilla cream was discovered this week... And baby LOVES it!!! & donuts, pig in a blanket, & chocolate milk!! <-- I finally got it Friday thanks to my sweet husband :) &&& iced sugar cookies!!
Queasy or sick: Nope!!
Favorite moment this week: Getting to see a little glimpse of our sweet <but extremely stubborn> baby!
Looking forward to: still can NOT wait to get this baby here & in my arms!