the bitter sweetness of it all

I can't stop thinking about how strange these feelings I have are. I feel like I've lived two completely different lives in one {short} lifetime. I feel like everything with Sloan happened so long ago, but at the same time it feels like it was yesterday. It's so hard sometimes because my pregnancy with her truly was a happy and exciting time, but for the most part those aren't the memories that flood my mind when I think of her. What floods my mind is the pure sorrow and heartache that I felt & still feel to this day. What floods my mind are the memories of that dark {literally & figuratively} hospital room. Every heartwrenching moment of that night and morning and the days that followed are the memories I {mostly} think of when I think of her.

Then I see Ayla - who has brought so much light to my previously dark life. I still sometimes just stare at her and start crying tears of joy. She makes me SO happy! Happier than I ever knew was possible. It doesn't seem possible to know the deepest sorrow & the most pure joy in such a short time span - but I do. And that can be overwhelmingly confusing some days... well, most days. I would do anything to have both of my girls here with me. But at the same time I know that I would not have Ayla had I not had to give Sloan back to the Lord. I love both of my girls and could never choose one over the other - all I know is I believe Sloan had a huge hand in bringing me to where I am now and bringing Ayla into our lives. And for that, I am thankful.