Gender: still a SuRpRiSe - starting to question my "mother's intuition"... but still mostly think boy! I can't wait to find out!
Weight gain: 10 lbs
Next Appointment: 10/16/2014
Stretch marks: not yet!
Belly button in or out: half in - half out
Sleep: better this week! Less interruptions to empty my bladder... which I appreciate!
What I miss: still miss being the naive pregnant girl that thinks everything is going to be ok... The further I get, the harder it gets to just "know" that everything will be ok. This week I've felt like this pregnancy is the second hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and by far the scariest. I thought being pregnant with Sloan after a miscarriage was hard - which was part of the reason I was SO private with her pregnancy... but that has nothing on a pregnancy following a full term stillbirth. I know that just because I've already gone through this once, does not mean I'm immune from it happening again. & I feel like I am constantly waiting for the ball to drop. Things the old me knew how to rationalize are now things that automatically make me think something is wrong. It's like the sane part of me knows that everything is ok & knows the probable explanation, but the question "what if it isn't" is always in the back of my head.
Last Saturday (10/4) after my jog my left calf was a little sore. I didn't think much of it, just thought it was a normal muscle ache from overdoing it a tad. But when it didn't go away, part of me was convinced it was a blood clot. I knew it was HIGHLY unlikely that I had a blood clot since I'm on Lovenox & Aspirin, and I didn't have any other signs or symptoms, but there that voice came again saying "but what if you do". So I went to my primary care doctor, and he assured me that he did not think I had a blood clot, but he thought I needed to take a break from jogging to help with the pain. (of course being the non-compliant patient that I am & thinking I would feel worse if I didn't jog, I didn't take his advice and the pain went away eventually)
What I'm loving: getting closer to getting this baby here!
Movement: Baby = lots! ME = I'm re-learning how to move with a mini watermelon attached to my abdomen!
Cravings: FAIR FOOD!!!! corn dogs, funnel cakes, 4H cheeseburgers, etc - and I satisfied ALL cravings Wed, Thurs, & Fri at the Austin Co. Fair :)
Queasy or sick: Nope!!
Favorite moment this week: nothing specific comes to mind - so just making it through another week :)
Looking forward to: having this baby!
This week was such an emotional roller coaster for me. It started Sunday when we weren't able to decorate Sloan's grave for fall like I had hoped we would be able to. (I was actually wanting to get it done by the 1st, but for various reasons that didn't work out either) When Brady told me Sunday that we wouldn't be able to do it that day, I just started crying. I had so many different emotions come over me. I felt like a horrible mother because her grave looks so terrible. I felt like Sloan was being put on the "back burner" - not only by her parents, but by other family members as well. I felt embarrassed & guilty that I had let her grave get so "ugly". We did go clean it up, which made it look a little better... But still not as good as I thought it should. I felt guilty that we have still not even looked at headstones. I felt like people just think that because I'm pregnant again, I'm "happy" again. Don't get me wrong - I am happy, but it's a very different kind of happy...
By Thursday we STILL weren't able to fix her grave, which lead to an even bigger breakdown and all of those exact feelings coming back, but this time one hundred times stronger... it is SO hard to explain those feelings.......
Friday we went to look at headstones. We found a style that we both like, but are torn between 2 colors and have no clue what exactly we want to put on it. I didn't want to just rush into ordering something so personal, so we are trying to think about what we want on it. Who knows how long that will take, but I feel better knowing that at least we got the process started...
Some days I can't help but think "what if" - what if I had Sloan with me? I probably wouldn't have this child on the way... What if something happens to this baby too? I can not lose another baby. I get so scared some days... well.. most days...
As grateful as I am for all Sloan has shown me - some days I just wish this wasn't my story...
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