birthday wishes

I hate this. How is this my life? I really thought this birthday would be better than the last. But it's not. I just want her. I want her back. All I want is Sloan. I want to go back. Back to the girl who loved to celebrate her birthday. Back to the girl who declared October her "birthday month". Back to the happy girl who couldn't wait to announce to her family - on her birthday - that she was pregnant. I want to go back to that birthday. And I want to know then what I know now. I want to have a chance to see what my life would be like with Sloan here. I want to have been able to do everything in my power to deliver her - breathing and alive. I want to have a chance to be her earthly mother - not just the mommy to an angel. I would give anything to go back. But this is my life now. And I can't go back. Now I'm the girl who is just ready for this day - this reminder - to be over. Now I'm the girl who cries on her birthday and doesn't even want to celebrate it. Today I'm the girl who's crying, telling God "all I want is Sloan" and then feel this kick in my stomach from the baby I'm carrying now. How awful is that? How selfish is that? To have a healthy baby growing inside of you but wishing for nothing more than the baby you've buried? Of course I want this baby. I prayed so hard for this baby. I pray so hard every day for this baby. And I'm so ready to have this baby - here, healthy & alive. But I want Sloan too. I will always want Sloan. And I will always hate that I will never have her physically here. With me. Where I feel like she belongs...