Week 31

How far along: 31 weeks
Gender: SuRpRiSe!
Weight gain: 11.5 lbs
Next Appointment: 11/10/2014
Last Appointment: 11/3/2014
We had another ultrasound and baby is STILL breech! It did change positions a little, but not quite as much as it felt like it had... now the head is right in the middle, instead of on the right side, and the legs were a little lower - but it still seems to twist itself like a pretzel sometimes! Baby is still measuring on time for where we are. (since my due date was moved up at some point to 12/28, I'm technically 32 weeks this week - but I still go by my LMP, so by that I'm still 31 weeks. Potato, potato right?!) Baby is weighing in at approx 3lbs 12oz, amniotic fluid is good, and the cord still looks good! HR was 139-146 and my belly is measuring right on time!

That morning I felt perfectly fine, so I went for my usual morning jog - probably not the brightest decision since I was sick the night before, but I felt like my body was saying GO! Well, during the day I kept having Braxton Hicks contractions, but wasn't really counting/timing them like I should have been. When I left work to go to the doctor I started counting them & had 8 in an hour, so I knew I needed to tell them that. When I told them, I was informed that he was going to need to check me <which I did NOT want> to make sure I wasn't in labor - which I was 99.9% sure I wasn't. He confirmed that I was definitely NOT in labor and my cervix was still very high & closed. He did tell me I needed to "start taking it easy" and told me to go home, rest, and drink lots of Gatorade - so I did... gladly :)

I was also sent home with some "homework" this week:

1. Choose a pediatrician (I can't decide if I want to just go to a family dr in Brenham for convenience or if I want to drive to CS for every little thing! Decisions, decisions!) 
2. Get my flu shot & pertussis vaccine
3. Pre-register - so crazy to me that we are already at this point!!!     

And then Friday rolled around... & back to the doctor we went. It's like the closer I get to delivery, the more scared I get. I started feeling like the baby's movements had changed this week - again - so it started to worry me. I first noticed it last Saturday when we were in Cotulla, but my appt Monday reassured me that everything was ok. During the week I did my kick counts religiously & always got 10 in the 2 hour time frame without a problem. But, they felt weaker all week and seemed like it took longer than the usual 15 minutes - taking more like 30-45 min - which started worrying me more. Once again, no matter how much I tried to keep calm and use logical, scientific thinking - fear always has a way of beating me. In my mind, even though I knew movement was good, heartrate was good, there were no signs of distress - it was STILL different - which was NOT good. Sloan's memory is always ever present in the back of my mind & I can't help but to compare this pregnancy to her's. It's like everything was fine with her too, until it wasn't... So how am I suppose to know what changes are ok this time around & how am I suppose to be sure that everything is ok?! I remember doing daily kick counts with her - not AS religiously as I do them now, but I did them - so I knew when her movements started changing. I remember sitting in that doctor's office and telling him word for word "it's movements have really slowed down". I remember him asking me if I was still getting 10 in 2 hours. I remember hesitating and not even answering - but thinking "no" - before he jumped to the next question and started the ultrasound. I remember seeing her on that screen - alive and well - and Brady & I thinking she had big lips... I remember being reassured in that moment, so I didn't think anything of it when those movements continued to decrease... And even disappeared without me being fully aware... And then just 3 days later finding out that that perfectly healthy baby that we just saw was no longer alive and well... It's the kind of fear that is so hard to explain. But it definitely took over. It's like I keep waiting for the ball to drop. Like I keep preparing myself to go through it all over again. I woke up at 2am Friday morning with such a bad headache and couldn't fall back asleep until I felt the baby kick - at least once. I went for my jog Friday morning - but had to listen to baby's heartbeat before and after my jog - and still felt worried for some reason. In the shower the thought crossed my mind "maybe I'm just not meant to be a mother". Then the thought creeps into my mind that if we have to bury another child, do we have enough room with the plots we've purchased for 2 babies and me and Brady? Then I go to work - knowing that it's already been an "off" morning. And it continues. I can't stop crying and freaking myself out. I lock myself in the bathroom, sit on the floor, listen to my baby, and continue to cry my eyes out. I was literally sitting there - listening to my baby's perfectly healthy heartbeat - but could not convince myself that nothing was wrong. I texted my nurse, who asked me if I wanted to come in. Of course I wanted reassurance, but I also knew that I was overreacting - but all of those feelings were so incredibly strong and real to me at the same time. I also know that they are very busy and it's not easy for them to just squeeze people in for every little freak out - and being a nurse I feel like I understand that better than some - so I didn't want to inconvenience them. Of course they told me to come in, and once again I was reassured. Baby started moving like crazy (of course) as soon as she hooked me up and during the ultrasound. Everything still looked great and the doctor suggested I start taking a low dose anti-anxiety med... which I refused to do. I know it could help, but I don't want to put any more meds in my body than are necessary & I don't feel like that is a "must have". Then he suggested that the only other thing he knew to do was to see me twice a week - which I didn't necessarily want either because I feel so crazy - but I definitely think it will help me get through this last month with as much peace of mind as possible... Which is definitely what I need! 

Maternity Clothes: wearing a few undershirts and leggings this week... And am definitely growing out of my size small t-shirts!! 
Exercise: yep :) still doing what I feel like I can... which is more than I thought I would be able to do at this point... but it is still getting harder & harder!
Belly button in or out: half in/half out
Sleep: well... the need to empty my bladder and interrupt my sleep has gone from once a night to twice a night! & it's getting harder to fall back asleep once I've gotten up...
What I miss: still not really missing much of anything!
What I'm loving: feeling (mostly) SO excited & getting so close!
Movement: Since baby changed positions slightly, I feel like it's movements aren't AS strong as they were - which tends to bother me more lately - but I'm still doing my kick counts and getting my 10 kicks/2 hours so I'm trying REALLY hard to not let it freak me out too much... <<< which it clearly did freak me out too much after I typed this...My movement is still slowly deteriorating & it's getting harder and harder to put my shoes on from a sitting position... I also tend to moan and groan more with certain movements!
Cravings: chili cheese everything from Dairy Queen - burrito, french fries, and dog; celery + ranch; Casa Ole green dip & enchiladas
Queasy or sick: Sunday night was a rough one. I was so glad to be home from Cotulla and was just relaxing on the couch when all of a sudden my heart started racing & pounding out of my chest. I checked my pulse and it was 107, so I told Brady I didn't feel good and was going to take a bath to try to relax. When I was in the bathtub it just got worse and I felt extremely weak, nauseous and shaky, so I called Brady in the bathroom to help me get out of the tub. I was miserable and just started crying. I went to bed to lay down and tried to drink gatorade. I felt dehydrated and knew I hadn't had enough fluids that day, but every time I would try to take a sip I would just feel worse. I felt like I needed an IV but did not want to go to the hospital just for fluids. I texted my nurse, and of course she told me to go so that I didn't start contracting. Brady started to help me get dressed and I just knew it was getting worse. Luckily I made it to the toilet in time to throw up every ounce of anything I had in me. After that I immediately didn't feel near as shaky & weak & could actually tolerate fluids. I texted my nurse again to let her know and asked if I still needed to go. She told me to just push fluids and see how I felt. I still didn't feel "good", but it was definitely much more tolerable! By the next day I felt like a completely different person! I still don't know for sure if it was just dehydration or something I ate - I'm just glad it got better!
Favorite moment this week: going shopping with my mom for a few more baby outfits... she bought a "going home" outfit for a girl {which we can return when baby is born if need be} and a couple Christmas outfits for baby... and I bought another cute little boy sleeper :) (I bought a going home outfit for a boy almost immediately after I found out I was pregnant!) I still have NO clue what this baby is and I can not wait to find out... although I'm still leaning mostly to boy for some reason!
Looking forward to: HAVING THIS BABY IN MY ARMS! 

This week I had a very small baby shower that the ladies at my job gave me. I was so hesitant to allow them to do it and didn't know how I felt about it, but it turned out great. I didn't register anywhere, didn't want any baby showers, and don't know what I still need or the gender of the baby - so how do you throw a shower for someone with all that factored in? But they did, and I'm so appreciative that they did! It was very short, sweet, and to the point - which is exactly what I needed!