a little breakdown.

I had a doctor's appointment today (that Brady wasn't able to go to because he was out of town) and everything looked great! But, I had a little bit of a breakdown when the appointment was coming to an end. I've known since before I became pregnant with this baby that because of my history, the "plan" would be to induce me at 37 weeks, which is more than ok with me! So at this appointment I asked the doctor if he would schedule my induction based on my last menstrual period or based on the baby's measurement - because baby has been slightly (4 days) behind what it should be based on my LMP, which is OK because my cycles were irregular and we don't know the exact date of conception, so it is hard to gauge. He explained that it is hard to say this early in the game, but more than likely by measurement. I told him if he went by measurement - assuming it would continue to grow at this pace - that I would turn 37 weeks on Brady's birthday so it would be an awesome birthday present for him... But my doctor was quick to tell me that he never said he would induce the DAY I turned 37 weeks. I could feel my heart starting to beat faster and a knot form in my throat. I told him, "you can't tell me that you're going to induce me at 37 weeks and then say you're going to induce me at 37 and 3". I started to cry and said "she died at 37 weeks!" He softly said that from our previous conversations that it sounded like I knew something was wrong and attempted to reassure me by telling me that we were going to be monitoring baby very closely this time. That still wasn't good enough for me. I said "but I told him she wasn't moving and he did an ultrasound and she was fine"... he then politely, but matter-of-factly, said "this is NOT last time"... I don't remember if I said anything, I just remember being filled with fear and crying. He then acknowledged that I was coming off of a "hard anniversary" and tried to comfort me some more. I felt a little better by the time I left and have readjusted my thinking and expectations... I just can not wait until the day I know I will be having a healthy baby! I am so confident in the care I'm receiving, but the trauma I've experienced still enables fear to completely consume me and take over some days... 

Here are a few pics from today's appointment...